You know how occasionally you have one of those days. You know the ones, where you scream at the sky shouting “fucking seriously? Could this get any worse?” and a bird shits on your face and it drips in your mouth? I had one of those today, but rather than bird shit I was boob-deep (which granted after 2 kids isn’t as deep as it used to be now my tits are at my ankles) in baby shit and toddler snot.
And it’s all because of the rain, ruined all the plans I had for the day. Me and my Mother thought we’d go out for the day to check out the Mothercare sale followed by running some errands in town, and it starts so well. Having a newborn and a toddler the pushchair and buggy board require a small physical exam to set up and counts as that days body workout. Weathers nice we say and leave the raincover in the boot – big mistake. Fast forward to leaving and Noah and his fucking Ark are sailing past telling me to seek refuge in Toys r us to kill time while it blows over.
Half an hour, the purchase of one paw patrol toy and two dummies later, Noah’s drowned, the Arks a wreck and the animals are dead. So I leave Mother and the kids in Toys r us and run back to get car from mothercare resembling the drowned rats more disheveled mother. By the time I got the kids in the car the pushchair was already wet on the outside and I was cursing the nice, new, still unused raincover staring at me in the boot while I moved onto my next mission: getting a Bugaboo Buffalo in the boot of a Vauxhall Astra without getting it even wetter. Truly mission impossible. Trying to keep the carrycot dry I balance it on the parcel shelf – which collapses. The carrycot which weighs exactly 2.4678 metric tonnes falls on my arm, not the worst casualty of the day but I’ll get to that later. So mission keep it dry aborted I had to put it on the flooding car park floor. The only thing wetter was my face from the tears of sadness from desecrating a bugaboo in such a way. The inside is now wet and poor Teddy can’t go in that so the days plans are scubbered – I have babycarriers galore but things to buy that I didn’t want to carry #firstworldproblems
So, Mother and I agree to forget town and go home via McDonald’s drive thru. Problems solved right? Wrong. On the way Ted decided he was hungry for boob-juice and as much as they reach my ankles now like I said, they don’t quite stretch from drivers seat to his car seat. Inconvenient. So I had to throw the car into any parking space and, as I wasn’t getting out the car performed some acrobatics to get him out feed him and put him back in his car seat so we can hit the drive thru. As I’m driving home I realised that in my excellent move putting Teddy back in his car seat I forgot to put my boob back in its industrial container. Yep. I did the drive thru with my tit hanging out.
Get out the car at home and somehow mothers coffee was attached to me from the cup holder and as I leave the car it comes with me going all over the seat and all down my fucking leg, I was too busy trying to avoid the monsoon that I didn’t notice til I realised my leg hurt quite a bit. By the time I cleaned the car I was dripping and my dinner was cold
Now I have to pick my husband up from work sitting on a towel in a car that smells like Cif…
I’m pretty sure I’d rather have taken the bird shit and have gotten it over with.