My vagina is a weapon – it fires kids out like torpedoes…

I’m all for a bandwagon, me. Really I couldn’t get much more basic unless you caught me instagramming my coffee (again). Lately I’ve read a lot of birth stories, all so full of intricate details on the lives these women have brought into the world. Some lengthy and horrifying, others so light and wonderful, all make me re-live my own and make me want to write it down. 

So will my birth story be lengthy and horrifying? Or light and magical? Neither. My latest birth is short, sweet and braggy as fuck. So braggy I’m probably the most sickening person to anyone who experienced trauma truth be told and for that I (sort of) apologise. Only sort of because I needed stitches so I’ll let you feel sorry for my vagina. So here goes, my short and sweet birth story, bullet pointed for your convenience:

  • Put Sophia to bed at 7pm
  • Watch top gun with a few “tightenings” 
  • Tightenings get closer together and a bit stronger but still don’t think they hurt enough to care about them – assume false labour
  • Top gun finishes around 9:45pm
  • Waters break at 10pm – shit starts to hurt
  • Mother arrives to babysit
  • She stops me trying to get to the car mid-contraction to ask where tv remote is (truly impeccable timing)
  • Arrive at hospital car park at 10:43pm
  • Finally get into a birthing suite room around 11pm
  • Midwife says “iffff you’re in labour we’ll get you some pain relief love” if? If?! Rightio. 
  • Midwife sticks hand up and says “oh. Do you need to push? You can. You’re fully dilated” (take it I’m in labour then love? I’ll have that gas and air now please” 
  • Few pushes and we played a game of catch at 11:22pm, the ball was an 8lb 1oz Teddy. He made a great ball, and the midwife made a great catcher. 
  • David told me the gender by declaring “I see boy bits!”

Jobs a good’un. Discharged and home less than 8 hours later and before Sophia woke up for the day; we were on the sofa with a McDonalds breakfast when she came downstairs.  

Total labour time: dunno like an hour or so? (Said in smuggest voice ever)

Amazing experience and if I didn’t know they turned into toddlers I’d do it again in a heartbeat. 


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