Phrases I never thought I'd hear myself say before I became a parent:
- Please take the drill out your brothers ear. No you don't need to fix him
- STOP WEEING ON ME
- Did you just fart on my hand?
- Don't wipe poo down the tumble dryer (potty training is fun)
- Don't wipe poo down the doors (see above)
- Leave your bits alone
- What am I doing? I'm feeding baby milk. Yes from my booby. Yes you have fridge milk.
- Seriously – I've got no idea what you are saying to me
- Have you weeweed or poopied?
- NOOOO DON'T EAT YOUR POO!
- Don't strangle him
- Yes you came from my tummy but no you can't get back in
- Please stop biting your toenails
- If you keep sucking your thumb it will fall off
- Stop eating your crayons. I will not tell you again.
- Stop licking that.
- Spelling all the good stuff: "hey David do we have any C A K E" or "shall we take her to the P A R K tomorrow" are fine examples.
- Your shoes are on the wrong feet again
- Stop taking Moanas clothes off.
- Please don't wipe your bogies on me
- Can you stop rubbing your bum against everything you look like you've got worms
- Of course I want to play this same puzzle for the 146784th time today with you.
- No. No. No. NO!
- I'm going to count to three…. one, two, two-and-a-half, two-and-three-quarters, two-and-nine-tenths…OH JUST DO AS YOU ARE TOLD FOR GODS SAKE!
- *Specifically pre-weaning* – oooh you smell milky have you made me a poopy?
- *specifically post-weaning* – oh dear god what did I let you eat?!
- What do you say? P-P-P? Please. The word is please.
- Yes Teddy has one and no you won't be able to find yours… 😳
Sometimes you don't need to say anything. You just give them a stare so deep and make a face so hideous that it doesn't require words. Either that or you make the face because the words you want to use aren't appropriate to use on children.
It's not an attractive face. In fact the more ugly the more seriously you are taken.
If you can take anything from this…it's that parenting is fucking disgusting and that getting icky stuff on you is inevitable.