To anyone who followed an earlier post about my postnatal dealings will know that to get the contraception of my choice I had to venture to a GUM clinic. Because apparently that’s a thing now, rather than in the confines of a GP office.
I’ve never felt so seedy in my life, surrounded by people all younger than me and much more…how shall I word this…rough around the edges. Much more exciting lives they lead I would imagine. And then there’s me, a 25 year old mother of two in my jeans and hoodie clutching a bottle of water for dear life looking about as Plain-Jane as you get.
It’s not an experience I want to repeat again in a hurry. There’s something about being weighed in a corridor (yes! A fucking corridor with people walking through, only to discover I currently weigh more than a baby Beluga Whale) and being then led to the toilets in the middle of the waiting room by a very loud nurse to be told to wee in a pot that just doesn’t scream “one of Hans finer moments”.
See the actual insertion of the implant wasn’t terribly horrific, a little painful but much less so than childbirth. It stings now the anaesthetic has worn off though.
The most horrific thing came after. I didn’t take a bag to my appointment, just my phone and the bottle of water. So imagine my absolute shame walking through the waiting room, up and out through the rest of the hospital and back to my car past dozens of people carrying my little “goody bag” that they send you away with tucked into my jacket in a half-arsed attempt to hide them like a 16 year old girl. As if that isn’t enough then the shame made me thirsty; so taking a quick swig of my water I drop the packet on the floor in the corridor at the feet of a small collective of pensioners walking the opposite way. Shit. Why does this always happen to me?
Up and out, back to my car, rush home and eat my feelings. Oh that’s how I weigh that much then…
Just after V the next day…